An overwhelming, breath-stealing romantic excitement feeling we felt towards a person. Often, when we came across a person whom we have a crush on, we tend to get uneasy. We don't know what to do or say. It's like our mind and body are filled with different sensations it's plunging us into an abyss of ambivalence. Kind of surreal. There will be hesitations and fear if you're going to confide in your feelings or just let it go because there is no guarantee that your feelings will be reciprocated or if there’s something that could ever blossom between the two of you. You feel the fear of being rejected.
I admire those who stood up and dared to confide their feelings regardless of what the outcome might be. I don’t recall any instances where I have directly told someone I have a crush on him. It has never been my personality. Normally, I just flirt with someone whom I have a crush on or someone that I like. Something everyone does. And that’s how most of the relationship starts.
Not in this case.
I started having a crush on a guy after seeing his photo posted on his page. He was wearing a red jacket---my favorite color. He was sitting comfortably atop the Philippines’ highest peak with the magnificent view of Mt. Apo's crater behind. Added to the fact that his legs were sexy, he was nothing but mesmerizing. I never knew I’d get attracted to a man’s legs. And as I looked deeper into his smiling eyes, I saw something that has drawn me in. It was something I couldn’t explain but from that moment, I knew I would be in trouble.
Fast forward, I had the chance to meet him. Got to talk to him face to face. A couple of times. It was short and easy and nothing romantic. Which was pretty okay. I just wanted to meet him personally, expected nothing more to happen. I didn’t even want to have any romantic connection with him right away. I just wanted to have a glimpse of him and see what kind of a person he is. I acted normal but my heart couldn’t stop pounding. I felt an immeasurable amount of happiness liberated out of my whole being. He was okay, I told myself. That was it. I didn’t do any first move nor tried flirting with him. I don’t want to. Although it was something everyone has been urging me to do, I chose not to do it. I could have done it just like what I do with any other guys but flirting does not entice me anymore. It only gives us short-term thrill which could vanish anytime. More than that, I see him as more than just someone to flirt with. I didn’t even add him on Facebook. I like not knowing him on social media. I want to know about him beyond that crowded network. Probably in time, we’d get connected there--- if ever we get closer. Once we have a deeper... attachment. I’d rather get to know him personally if given a chance. I don’t want any flirtation if it would only end up to nothing in the end. I had been shy and kind of lost my nerve but, in a way, I wanted him to know he has my admiration. I’ve never been so shy with a man yet he strikes me differently.
I’ve made my way to at least let him know this admiration and so I wrote him an email. Anonymously. In time, I’d be able to reveal myself. If ever there will be another chance. It's still obscure if I want to pursue what I'm feeling. For now, I’m keeping my distance. Admiring. Taking my sweet time to get closer and know him.
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